piglet

No, I am not referring to that sweet, earnest character of AA Milne's imagination. I'm referring to me. As in lately I feel like a piglet. Or rather, a huge hog. The giant kind, like George Clooney keeps as a pet. Gross. I've been on high dose steroids for a loooong time now, two months or more, and have only just started tapering down. What that means is the giant moon face, huuuuuuuge belly, and an appetite to match the entire continent of Asia's hunger. Combine that with the fact that I can now eat wheat and gluten, and my long-standing love of all things sweet and baked, and you've got one giant girl. Who has major self esteem issues anyway, only worsened by her unattractive state. I can't control my cravings at all, despite drinking white tea in large quantities, chewing gum to distract myself, and generally trying to ignore the desire to eat eat eat. 

This morning, attempting to get dressed for work, I had a meltdown. Nothing fits. I can't close pants or skirts, and the dresses are really tight. Once I got a hold of myself, and threw together a semi-acceptable outfit, I decided things needed to change. So I didn't have sweets today. I had fruit salad for a snack, and peanuts, and a sandwich at lunch. But I feel incredibly deprived. I went to the gym, and could only bike for 25 minutes (luckily I set the power level to 5- the most difficult- so I still did 4.5 miles and burned over 100 calories) before my breathing and pain got to be too much. I couldn't even do abdominal workouts on the machines it was so bad. And it used to be, before this awful flare that sent me up to high steroids, I wouldn't be hungry after the gym. But right now I am. I'm starving it seems. I just want to eat. And I don't want fruit or veggies or meat. I want cookies and cakes and sweet things. 

Sometimes I really hate being diseased. Like, for serious. UGH